myLA

Wow

2012-02-11T17:42:00.000-08:00

I was just told, "You just overwhelm me". Wow. Am I that awful? Why do men come back and then push me away again? Better question is why do I allow it?

I guess the saying is correct, "Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results."

The insanity must stop.

Sent from my iPhone 4S

#Quotes

2012-02-11T14:53:00.001-08:00

Notebook of Love (@TheNoteboook)
Crying doesn't mean you're weak. It means you've been too strong for too long.

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Three's A Crowd

2012-02-10T11:29:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a lot about Ed and the secret relationship we have had over the last 35 years. He has been my everything which leaves little room for myself let alone anyone else. I spent my childhood craving the love of my father, then as I grew older and relationships were the new it thing to have, I added boys to that list. Things I thought would fill that hole. But the love I really needed to cultivate was loving myself, understanding myself and creating the person that I wanted to be. Instead I chased others to fill that hole.

I would chameleon myself into anyone I thought they wanted me to be so that I could be wanted and convince myself that my hole would be filled. The one thing I did not know is that it would be temporary. So much so that it became like a drug. My high. It was the one thing that would make me feel better than food and replaced Ed in the moment. Except that when it was over, Ed would be there with food to fill the hole that was emptying like water in a sieve. It created more turbulence in my hole than it filled. It was temporary and fleeting.

When I was in high school my parents, thought I wasn't a virgin and that I slept around. It was sad. Because they assumed incorrectly. I was a virgin until my first year of college. 24 days before I turned 18. Unfortunately. My first experience was with a man, a police officer, that I thought cared for me or maybe I just lied to myself and ignored the truth. He told me he was divorced and had two little kids. I slept with him only to find out that he was married and not a police officer after all. He was a meter maid. How embarrassing?!?!? I found by his cousin telling me the truth one day. It was a huge blow. My first and a moment I could never take back was with a man that was unavailable.

Maybe I needed it to be this way because looking back I have always chosen unavailable men like my father. This now makes me believe that knowing that we could never move forward kept me safe with Ed. I could pretend that it wasn't about me but it was. I made these choices. This is really hard to reveal and I can't bring myself to continue but trust me this is just the beginning of uncovering the mound of bodies in the backyard of the house where Ed and I have lived our lie for the last 35 years.

#Quotes

2012-02-09T14:18:00.001-08:00

Quotes Daddy (@QuotesDaddy)
"I do the very best I know how, the very best I can, and I mean to keep on doing so until the end" - Abraham Lincoln

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Middle

2012-02-09T10:50:00.000-08:00

I am a Libra and the irony of it all is that the sign is the scales. My favorite symbol is the one on the right and is the only tattoo I have ever contemplated getting. I even thought of doing it in my hair line or so small it looks like a mole in brown. I think it is because I have always desired that balance that I was born into. I have always tipped either super high or super low. Never just the middle.

So as you know last week was a difficult week. This quote is perfect to describe how I feel now:

"Perhaps negative situations emerge

to lead you to a positive one."

I feel content this week. I have made good choices, shown compassion for myself, trusted in the process, opened up and just accepted where I am today. This week was focused. I have been eating well. I have been attending my workout classes and started running again. I even took Baby E on her first light jog hike (no hills) for the first time since she has gotten sick. She did 3.34 miles with no issues. We would have done 3.5 but I realized that we were going to get a ticket. Even so I am a Proud Mama.

I feel good. I have also not been bringing up the weight number or weight lost. It has been hard but it is important for me to no longer see everything as good or bad by the number. I have still been working on getting back to my goal weight which is natural since Ed and I are still in the throes of our divorce. Furniture, CDs, custody and all kinds of other bullshit remains to be divided and purged and yes, we still are living under the same roof for now. It is a process.

As I work on losing the pounds remaining towards my goal weight, I am still trying and succeeding this week at accepting where I am today and feeling good. Not sexy and fabulous or shitty and miserable but right in the middle. Satisfied. It will take time but I am happy with what I have achieved this week which is balance. Eating mindfully, choosing to live a healthy lifestyle, letting myself know I will be okay and showing myself some compassion.

I have also done one thing this week that scares me:

Setting a goal to run a half marathon with 2 new friends.

I have also overcome one think that makes me anxious:

Accepting myself around someone that has hurt me in the past.

These two things in the past would not be possible. Progress towards the middle.

#Quotes

2012-02-08T17:39:00.001-08:00

Mastin Kipp (@TheDailyLove)

Breakdowns are breakthrough's

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What Did I Weigh Last Year?

2012-02-08T14:01:00.000-08:00

This is such an Ed thing to do. The way I track time or memories or compare is by asking myself what I weighed last year. What an awful way to measure time? I can tell you by the way. Pick a year and a date. I will be able to tell you. This came out on Tuesday and it was nice to feel understood when I said it. You see most of my life people have always metaphorically patted me on my head and moved along. Shaking their had at what they consider normal girl not acknowledging, accepting or understanding that I was basically screaming inside of home where Ed was holding me hostage.

This is something I want to move away from. I also want to learn how to not see everything as good or bad. Or quantify my weeks by a number. I am trying. I am hopeful.

I am also trying to surround myself and accept activities with people on similar paths and journeys. People that understand; instead of trying to convince them to understand. Trying to be honest about where I am and why I do things. Accepting the process, being open and learning compassion towards myself. I want to learn how to navigate my life with comfort in knowing that I will be okay. No matter what.

#Quotes

2012-02-08T04:11:00.000-08:00

Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. - Havery Fierstein

#working on it

@nytimeshealth, 2/7/12 9:36 PM

2012-02-07T21:57:00.000-08:00

NYTimes Health (@nytimeshealth)
Mindful Eating as Way to Fight Bingeing nyti.ms/ytQIYf

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Let's Go Wild

2012-02-07T14:09:00.000-08:00

It is official! I am running the Safari Park Half Marathon with two friends from the studio! I am a little scared and excited all at the same time. This is on my list of things to do before I die. And I LOVE LOVE LOVE the San Diego Wild Animal Park. I would go there when I was sick all the time. It was a little get away that would allow me to forget what I was going through. I think this will be a spectacular place to return to in a whole new way and with a whole new outlook on my journey. I wanted to say life but I am on a journey that will never reach a final destination. I am happy to be doing it with Lisa and Jess. Can't wait to start our training schedule together. No more lonely runs!!! Yay!

My Trash

2012-02-07T13:06:00.000-08:00

I have noticed something about my relationship with Ed. It is a gauge or a tell or maybe just a side effect or an accessory of Ed's. You can tell what kind of day Ed and I are having by my trash can at work. If it is full of wrappers and plates and cups it is all about Ed. But when I am doing my own thing and making good choices then my trash is clean because I am eating fresh food and not crap.

Maybe I need to remember that is what my insides look like. If I let Ed trash my trash then I have to equate that with how I am treating myself. I would never treat my dog, my daughter, my friend or even a stranger the way I let Ed treat me. I am proud to say that for three days, I have made my own choices. Not Ed.

Last week's struggle and road towards compassion and self soothing little Me really is paying off this week. So yes last week was rough but I feel like I have learned something and grown from it. I am proud of this today.

#Quotes

2012-02-07T10:08:00.000-08:00

"If you're not making mistakes, then you're not doing anything." - John Wooden

Looking Forward

2012-02-06T20:21:00.001-08:00

This sounds crazy but I really am looking forward to therapy tomorrow.

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#Quotes

2012-02-06T13:17:00.001-08:00

Worry often gives small things a great shadow. - Swedish Proverb

#Quotes

2012-02-06T11:26:00.000-08:00

Mastin Kipp (@TheDailyLove)
Perfection leads to extinction. - Biological Fact #LearnToAdapt #TDL

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Mondays

2012-02-06T11:08:00.000-08:00

Last week was interesting. I had some set backs. Ed wanted to party and I just kept trying to be compassionate when I made choices that were not in my best interest that Ed loved. I just cried and cried and cried in therapy on Tuesday. Some much stuff just kept floating to the surface. I guess it was time since I have been bottling it up and pushing it down for the last four and half years. It was hard but I am glad I went.

The word of the week was compassion. I want to be able to take care of myself like I do Baby E or like I would take care of a little girl. I wouldn't kick the shit out of her I would be loving and patient and lift her up so she could soar. I would want my little Me to soar and feel safe. We talked about learning how to let little Me know that I would be okay.

It's funny because in 2008 when I was laid off and had my best year I temped at a large firm where the pressure was on and every day could be my last. The woman I sat next to was amazing. We worked marvelously together but more than that she could soothe me, comfort me and allow me to just be. She was a woman of great faith. She would somehow get me to trust that everything would work out and that I couldn't control the outcome but that whatever that outcome was; I would be okay.

That is all I really want. I want to be okay. I want to trust in myself.

So last week was hard. I allowed Ed to hangout with me but I at least worked out, showered and was compassionate with myself. I even took Baby E to the groomer. Her first visit since she has been sick. I have been bathing her in the sink like a baby because I feared something could happen to her and I didn't want to risk it. I swear it took all my strength and a nudge from the universe to get me in the shower and off to the groomer on Saturday. I went to class first to ensure I had a workout and then somehow managed to get her there. But not before dropping my purse all over my machine at The Studio and making a total train wreck of myself. I was so anxious during the whole process. I was scared. I was worried but I survived. The rest of the day was spent with Ed, $5 bucks and the vending machine downstairs BUT I showed myself some compassion and just went with it. I didn't continue eating and just accepted what happened. I didn't beat myself up. It was what Ed thought I needed and I know that he is going to still win a lot on this road to divorce. Baby steps.

The silver lining of my week was that Sunday, I woke up and took Baby E with me, went for a walk and mingled with the girls and guys before my class. I even drove by my parents house to see if they were home. They weren't but that was a big step. I was going to swing by before heading to my friend's house from the studio to have a doggie play date and watch the game but it didn't work out. I went home and had the best food day in a week on Super Bowl Sunday. A day where I could have just allowed Ed to decide that it was almost American to binge. I didn't.

So my point is this, this Monday I woke up and chose to start my week of with a smile and spring in my step and know that regardless of what may come my way I would be all right. I want all my Mondays to be like this because sadly right now Monday can set the tone for an entire week. I hope this changes.

My Girl

2012-02-04T09:46:00.000-08:00

The only dog I know that yawns at the groomer.

Groomer

2012-02-04T09:41:00.000-08:00

This is Baby E's first time back at the groomer since she got sick in November. I have been giving her baths at home but today was the day. I don't understand why certain things like today make me so anxious. I wanted to just sleep in and ignore the day but I didn't. I went to the studio had. Good workout and am now at the groomer. I'm an anxious train wreck but I did it. Sigh...

Rough, rough week but I'm trying to be gentle on myself. I did what I could even though Ed wanted to take me under. Tomorrow is another day.

Sent from my iPhone 4S

#Quotes

2012-02-04T09:38:00.001-08:00

Great Minds Quotes (@GreatestQuotes)
"I'd rather regret the things that I have done than the things that I have not done." - Lucille Ball

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#Quotes

2012-02-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." - Carl Jung

Nightmares = Nightmare

2012-01-30T18:31:00.001-08:00

I had dreams about old lovers, some sweet dreams and other violent bloody nightmares. I woke up haunted and had a horrible day. I'm trying to just accept it and move on but I've been off all day. Ed has loved today. He has had me binging to fill the hurt, the loss, the void, the awful memories. He has me hiding food. He didn't even want me to write this. It happened. But I woke up, worked out, ran and went to work. At least it wasn't a total loss.

Hard, hard day. It's okay. Tomorrow will be a new day and I have therapy thankfully.

Sent from my iPhone 4S

Gum

2012-01-29T16:06:00.001-08:00

It's interesting how the most insignificant things can bring back memories. We were never allowed to eat regular bubble gum because it was bad. We could eat sugar free gum once in a while. But you cant lesrn to blow a bubble with sugar free gum. I didn't learn how to blow a bubble until I was able to buy and hide it. Or chew when my parents weren't watching. Ed loved this because it taught me to hide, lie and cover up the "bad" food.

Things were labeled good and bad from a very young age. Never having anything bad in the house. No chips, no cookies, no soda, no fun cereal, no candy, no chocolate, no juice, no desserts, etc... I was always curious and jealous of kids that had these foods in their homes. I always wondered how these kids controlled themselves or stopped themselves from eating all this yummy food in their cupboards.

I would sneak food at other people's homes. The food that to me was bad so it needed to be hidden and truly gave me a feeling of love and comfort. If no one saw me then it didn't really count, I wasn't really weak, it never really happened.

I always wanted to be those kids. The skinny ones, the ones that could live with the "bad" food and chew bubble gum at the same time.

Sent from my iPhone 4S

#Quotes

2012-01-29T07:21:00.001-08:00

Inspirational Quotes (@Inspire_Us)
Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.

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#Quotes

2012-01-29T01:14:00.000-08:00

Great Minds Quotes (@GreatestQuotes)
"One sees great things from the valley; only small things from the peak." - G. K. Chesterton

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Where's Ed?

2012-01-28T18:17:00.001-08:00

I'm grateful for today. I ran 6 miles. Took an A&E class. Best of all Ed was no where around. It was nice to not be in high alert and just enjoy the day.

Sent from my iPhone 4S

#Quotes

2012-01-28T01:22:00.000-08:00

Inspirational Quotes (@Inspire_Us)
Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.

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The Devil is in the Details

2012-01-28T00:00:00.000-08:00

I honestly had a great day. I ran for the second day after 2 months of not wanting to, avoided Ed who was skittering along the edges of my day (tempting with the excuse that it was Friday have a treat), I got home early to not so great news about Baby E and you know what I managed. Well around 6, Ed started to call me up in a panic. He wanted FOOD!

I literally was starving and my mind kept listening to Ed telling me that if I was feeling this way that I was a loser and might as well just binge. I then kept asking myself do you want food because you're hungry or do you want to binge. It went back and forth. My natural instinct was to just acquiesce to Ed's request. I finally realized I was honestly hungry. I had a protein bar and I was still shaky. I had pounded my legs in a great class and run 3.5 miles so I asked myself if I honestly just needed more calories. The answer was yes. So I had a protein shake. That did the trick.

Yes, Ed it was extra calories but adding 300 truly thought out and needed calories is different the 3,000 calories of failure and indulgence that would have only made me feel worse.
I felt better even thought Ed still wanted to scare me into thinking that 300 or 3,000 still equaled failure. It was hard ti tell the difference. I had to disagree and not panic and acknowledge that I had listened to my body. This was a win in my column not Ed's. New territory is scary.

Sent from my iPhone 4S

#Quotes

2012-01-27T03:41:00.000-08:00

I will be capable of loving, regardless of whether I am loved in return,

Of giving, even when I have nothing,

Of working happily, even in the midst of difficulties,

Of holding out my hand, even when utterly alone and abandoned,

Of drying my tears, even while I weep,

... Of believing, even when no one believes in me.

Paulo Coelho
___________________________________

And one day, I will. I know I will.

Faith in the New Year

2012-01-27T01:05:00.000-08:00

I have always struggled with faith and on New Year's Day I had planned to try out a new service here in town. I was ready to go and in a good place. Well, my Mom and Granny texted that they wanted to come over that day. Which was nice of course. Well I felt guilty that I kind of didn't want to see them and instead of saying I had already made plans that day, I buckled out of my own wanting to "please" them. Well as soon as I said yes, Ed texted me.

He instantly started to tell me how that seeing them when I didn't want to was a failure on my part and that I had basically failed so why even bother. I instantly was being told to binge. I drove from my house to my office to get my credit card. You see I have been trying to not give myself the option in an attempt to battle Ed. Well he even dragged Baby E on this mission. We drove to the office and picked up my card and then ordered pizza as we were on our way home.

As I sat there shoveling all this food in my mouth, Ed kept telling me how since I had already derailed my New Year's Day plan that I might as well just completely run it into the ditch. Dumb because as soon as I was done Ed started telling me that I was now to fat and sorry to even be seen by anyone even my family so I cancelled on them next morning. Making up some lame excuse. Ed likes me to lie.

Ed isolates me and kept me from trying to find faith in something that would take me away from him. He is an atheist bastard. Since we are entering the year of the Dragon and I have one more Sunday in January I am going to try and make this wish of mine become a reality this weekend. I may not succeed but I really hope that I can make this happen. Inspite of Ed I want to be brave enough to do something new that is really, really scary.

myLA shared an Instagram photo with you

2012-01-27T01:03:00.001-08:00

Hi there,

myLA just shared an Instagram photo with you:

view full image

"Pure Love #happy"
(taken at VCA West Animal Hospital)

Thanks,
The Instagram Team

#Quotes

2012-01-27T01:01:00.000-08:00

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you can't see the whole staircase." - MLK

Listening to My Body

2012-01-26T18:44:00.001-08:00

I am exhausted physically. I hate a great day physically, emotionally and mentally. I'm going to listen to what I need and crawl in bed at 6:43pm. Yes, you read that right.

I'm thankful for today.

Sent from my iPhone 4S

#Quotes

2012-01-26T18:40:00.001-08:00

Motivational Quotes (@DavidRoads)
Nothing is ever wrong. We learn from every step we take. Whatever you did today was the way it was meant to be. Be proud of you.

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#Quotes

2012-01-26T05:30:00.000-08:00

"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while,

so that we can see Life with a clearer view again." - Alex Tan

Gray

2012-01-26T02:40:00.000-08:00

My entire life I have always loved the gray of life. I say this because I am the person you can say anything to and it won’t shock me. Life is not black and white it is mostly gray. My sister lives in the black and white. When she communicates that is the way she will respond. Black or white, right or wrong, in or out, all or nothing. I am not.

I like to see the gray in things when I am having conversations with others, thinking something over, helping someone or communicating in my daily life. I have an opinion but I will definitely listen to what others think and respect it and learn from it one way or another. I will also never tell them they are wrong because we have different views, opinions or beliefs. How they feel may not be for me but I can never understand where someone else is coming from or why others do what they do. You never know what you would do in someone else’s shoes. I will always try and understand the gray; which to me is the why or the circumstance or the reason or the mindset. We are all unique and our lives are all so complicated that to think we can simply live in black or white is crazy.

As much I can understand the gray my life is everything but gray personally which is odd. I can give someone else the gift of gray yet not myself.

I want to live in the GRAY.

Well… Ed loves the black and white. Which I am now thinking that this why sometimes life can feel very out of control for me personally. He likes to say fat or thin. Good or bad. Stay or go. Binge or starve. Fabulous or worthless. He doesn't like happiness, consistency or acceptance. He doesn't want me to find my own way. He controls the black and the white and he likes it that way. He lets me live full force sometimes but only if I pass his test or follow his rules. Sometimes he will even go on vacation for a while but he definitely still has heavy surveillance on my house. Other times he will hold me hostage in his cave. That is a hard way to live never really knowing what extreme your life will be lived in.

It is like a constant stop and go and it takes a lot of effort. This post is a lot harder to write than I thought it would be. I am wondering if it's because I am trying to state what I want and I am really finding it hard to articulate. I guess that is good because it is forcing me to think about what I WANT instead of what Ed wants. Wow. This is sobering. What do I want for my life specifically?

Okay, I guess this will be the start of the conversation with myself about what I WANT. Ed has always really kept me in check and maybe that is why taking these steps is so important. I have started a new journey and I very proud of myself. So for today I will be happy with:

I hope for balance.

I hope to learn how to navigate my life in a calm manner.

I hope to live my life in a genuine manner.

I hope to find the ability to love myself enough, that my love alone is enough.

I hope to fill my hole.

I hope to find my home in the gray.

The City is Quiet

2012-01-25T18:26:00.001-08:00

As scared as I am to wake Ed, I have to honor this moment. I drove home alone. I am at home and there is no sign of Ed tonight. This is so delicious. Better than anything I can think of. Love it. I just took a deep breath. The silence feels so good.
Sent from my iPhone 4S

Ed at Large

2012-01-25T15:49:00.000-08:00

I was out today and I was talking to a clerk in a store and we started talking about my dog and working out. He asked me if I worked out often. I said yes because I do. Even when I don't I do. But instantly, Ed was producing this segment of MY life from the back room. He made me clarify. I do but since my dog was sick I haven't been as good about it so I am not where I normally am or want to be. I am getting back on track now.

Wow.

Are you kidding me?!?!?! That is what I wanted to turn around and scream at Ed. First of all, what does this guy care if I do or don't work out a lot or if I am in a good place or bad place. He probably could care less what kind of shape I am in. Two, yes Baby E getting sick has been devastating to me but it is because of Ed that I haven't been able to handle the situation. Three, it isn't Baby E's fault or anyone else's fault for that matter that I binge, get depressed, cancel my workouts, drop out of my own life and can't leave the house, etc... It is all Ed's fault and I firmly place the blame at his doorstep. Finally, I can't believe that even to strangers Ed won't let me just answer a question on my own.

Not fair.

#Quotes

2012-01-25T09:46:00.000-08:00

‎"Every great work, every big accomplishment, has been brought into manifestation through holding to the vision, and often just before the big achievement, comes apparent failure and discouragement." - Florence Scovel Shinn, was one of the first New Thought writers.

May I Be...

2012-01-25T06:46:00.000-08:00

My therapist has been giving me some helpful tools that will support me in the time in between our sessions. One thing she suggested is using "May I be" as a mantra.

May I be happy... May I be patient... May I be calm... May I be understanding... May I be kind...

May I be... It is asking for what we need and when I did it the first time. One, it did make me feel good but it allowed me to take some deep breaths as well. Centering me. I like the idea. And you can add whatever you need after May I be... Simple and nice.

She also suggested I find affirmations or quotes that I like. It is funny because I was already using Facebook and Twitter between August and November (when I was honestly feeling like I was happy and finding some balance) to do this and it really did help me start my day off on the right foot.

I miss it but Ed just hasn't allowed me to do that because he doesn't want me out of the cave he has had me in. I am going to start doing this again. I know that others on Facebook have thanked me for my daily little jewels and honestly, that put a lot of pressure on me by Ed because he told me that since I had stopped, also his fault by the way, that I was a failure and disappointment but he also liked that I stopped because it made his grip just a tad bit tighter. It isolated me. Ed doesn't really like that positive affirmation crap. He likes solitude, sadness and silence. Those are Ed's 3 S's.

#Quotes

2012-01-25T05:08:00.001-08:00

"It's well known in wisdom communities that delays are not denials. Remember this at all times. Keep focused on what you can do in the moment, and if there is nothing to be done - you are being taught patience. Apply yourself everyday towards your deepest desire - work hard, then let go. This is how mastery is attained." - Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.

Mirrors

2012-01-25T01:20:00.000-08:00

Ed loves mirrors. I can never pass one without scrutinizing what is wrong or what looks good because of him. See he is the only one that gets a vote at the looking glass. When things are good aka I am within 5lbs of my goal weight he loves to look but when things aren't going so well it is a time to drive the point home and make me pay for being so weak. You see Ed loves making me eat, he swears it will make everything better and then once I am done he reminds me I am too stupid to even do it right because I can't even purge. My life would be better if I could at least do both. He loves to fuck with me even when my own brain is breathless whispering thank God you don't purge because that would make matters even worse.

Yes, this all goes on behind closed doors. You see Ed never lets other hear when he is talking to me. He has the ability to scream and yet no one hears the damage he is inflicting on me. It is like being held hostage while people tell you that you are normal. You see people don't understand. I read a quote while reading Life without Ed, that said,

"From the outside looking in, you can't understand it.

From the inside looking out, you can't explain it"

This is the best way to describe it. Plain and simple.

Ed uses mirrors as a gauge for my success and failure. A mirror rarely serves as a compliment but more like a measuring stick. Where am I at today: Fat = Failure, Thin = Success (but never quite as good as it can be). Ed is a tough grader. I will walk by the full wall of mirrors in our restroom at the office and literally lift up my dress to check-in with Ed. Hmmm, I scrutinize; sometimes even missing an ink mark on my face or food on said dress. That is how much control Ed has over me. He even blocks my view of what is so obvious.

Any reflection, even the windows in my office or any location serves as an opportunity for Ed to tell me what looks bad and what I need to do to look better and even when I AM on the right track to happy (aka thin) or clinging to the positive with a death grip, Ed loves to remind me that people only compliment me when I am at 118lbs or below. See I have been fat and skinny. When I was fat at 170lb I still was seriously married to Ed but had succumbed to being fat and now that I have fought my way to lose those 60lbs I know that I was working on everything but Ed.

Over the past 4 years, I have death gripped my way to by most people's standards (except Ed's) some pretty large measures of success. I have become fiscally responsible, committed to not sharing myself with men sexually unless in a committed relationship, lost 60lbs in one year and kept off 60lbs for 3 years give or take a few pounds, I have also found a home with a great company. But this has all come at a price because I wasn't ready to talk about or deal with Ed. So I controlled my way into maintaining all of these glass balls in the air. I think Baby E may be saving my life with her near death experience. She is the best thing that has ever been given to me. She is my most precious gift and source of unconditional love & acceptance. I want to divorce Ed and learn to love myself and accept myself the way Baby E does. One baby step at a time...

Ed vs. The Almonds

2012-01-24T16:00:00.000-08:00

I am literally trying to fight Ed off this afternoon. So I am seriously keeping my hands busy multi-tasking. I am probably going to bug the shit out of some people who think I am being annoying or self serving or too gung ho but I really want to work on finding balance in my life and I have to do the homework and be honest with myself.

If you feel that way, I don't care and if Ed feels that way, I really don't care.

At this point what I need is important and what I feel is important and finding out who I really am is #1 and divorcing Ed is the one thing I have never attempted and at 35 I am ready to start my Life without Ed. I have held on to him out of fear and I do not want to live in fear any longer.

So back to my pacing and racing.... So I wanted to rip into some almonds. I grabbed a 100 calorie pack and a string cheese. Ed grabbed the string cheese and never even consulted me. I walked back to my office and sat down. Then walked back into the kitchen with the string cheese and put it back in the fridge. No, Ed. I then walked back to my office with my almonds. I opened them and then had one almond. Then I remembered what my therapist said, when Ed wants you to start munching ask yourself, "If you are hungry?" and if the answer is no, then ask,

"What are you hungry for?''

And she didn't mean chili cheese fries or bagels or pizza or cheese. I am not saying this to be a smart ass but I honestly thought that is what she meant. Or at least Ed wanted me to think so... She meant what are you emotionally hungry for? What do you need emotionally that is making you want to fill your hole with food? Woah. A much harder question that I never have stopped to even ask, much less answer.

Today the answer is I'm a little scared that I will give into Ed and lose the last 13 days. I don't want that to happen. I had about 3 more almonds went back to the kitchen, grabbed a snack size ziploc and put the rest of the almonds in there. That made me smile just a little. Ed usually will turn that single 100 calorie pack of almonds into 3 bloody packages with a side of everything else in the fridge. Breathing now...

The Big T

2012-01-24T14:16:00.000-08:00

As you can probably tell I am back in the therapeutic saddle. Today was week 2 and I can say that even though only baby steps are being taken, each one makes me feel so good. I think it is funny how I started blogging about Ed before making this statement. I guess it was Ed trying to fight the perfectionist in me. You see this is bad news for his ass. This means he has been served and divorce proceedings have started.

I have probably been in and out of therapy for the last 25 years with the same person. At first with my family, then by myself and after about 6 years off and on and only a few visits last year...I am back. Now with a new therapist. A scary undertaking especially since you have to start from ground zero. I actually was blessed with a great referral from someone that I am so lucky to have in my life and see almost everyday. I will never be able to thank her enough for this suggestion and I think it will be a good fit. This new therapist specializes in Eating Disorders. I believe in therapy YET I have said in the past that my reason for not taking the large step back was because THERAPY CAN BE TOO HONEST. People often say, in this super annoying sing songy voice, " What do you mean?" or "I don't understand???" or "How can it be too honest??" I want to just throttle them over the head with my purse or the nearest large object. Sigh... but when my therapist said something to that affect during our first session I seriously almost jumped up and hugged her. This is someone that gets it.

I have always talked about everything under the sun but Ed and when I did bring up Ed it was like it was a symptom or side effect of my other issues. Most people just don't get it and usually tell me I am being silly or announce that their are children dying in Africa and I don't have problems. So the hours before my first session were throttled with anxiety because I felt like bringing her up to speed on my life in this first session would have to be perfect in order for her to "get" me. I was wrong. She saw me. She understood me. She knows me.

By the end I was in tears, clutching wet kleenex trying to wipe away the evidence and this was new because I rarely cry any more. As we discussed our next session she asked me if I read. I groaned explaining I either binge on books or avoid book club because Ed won't let my fat ass out of the house and has kept me from reading which in Ed's book equals not perfect and therefore, a failure.

She asked me if I journal. Double groan. I blog when I can handle my life. Ed doesn't like me to share with others so when I am in my cave with Ed I usual go on radio silence.

I explained my all or nothing personality. She asked me if I wanted to try to read something so I would have something to continue our session until the next week. She asked what I was more drawn to depression or eating disorders? What interests you more? I said eating disorders as after reading a few books last year on the topic, being able to relate to someone else's story helped me feel not so alone. She gave me my new bible. Life without Ed by Jenni Schaefer. I told her I couldn't promise her anything. She said to just try to read a few pages and see how it felt. So I agreed...begrudgingly. Even when I got in the car I muttered yeah right under my breath.

I have been reading small easily digestible (ha, ha Ed) chapters in between commercials (Ed loves TV) and before bed or when I wake up in the middle of the night. It has allowed me to realize that I do not want to be this way. I never have. I didn't pick it up as one does pilates or painting. No Ed found me. He snuck into my life when I wasn't looking and very young and has never left my side. He married me without my consent. He stuck an invisible ring on my finger that has kept me from really living all my life. Sometimes he sits on my lap and sometimes he kicks it in the basement or the attic but he is always there.

You see this book made him REAL for me. It gave me a simple tool to say I do not want to live with you anymore Ed. Before I blamed me, I thought it was me, I believed I was just losing it, I thought I was weak. And yes, it hasn't fixed all of those previous statements but now I want to say: I blame you Ed. I know this is what you want Ed. You put these thoughts in my head Ed. Your goal is to make me feel weak Ed.

You see when I couldn't separate myself from Ed it was too hard to talk about. It hurt even more because Ed was giggling while I was locked in the confines of myself with only him to talk to and turn to. Now I can call him out and talk back. I can share things about Ed with myself and it isn't about me; it is about our marriage and our life together and when I talk about Ed or to Ed I don't feel as much shame as I did before.

I can guarantee that I have a challenging road ahead of me with lots of ups and downs and twists and turns and stall outs but now I can at least say the cleaning of our house has started and Ed is on notice that things are going to change up in this house. MY HOUSE. Ed you have been served. Choke on that little blue paper!

Fiber Issues

2012-01-24T12:37:00.000-08:00

Okay so this might be TMI but I was adding a little Benefiber to my water. You gotta keep regular. LMAO when I glanced at the nutritional information on the bottle. Do you know that shit has 4 grams of carbs per 2 teaspoon serving. Is this shit for real?!?!? Ed immediately wanted me to spit out my water.I chose not to...

But Ed wants me to think of looking into a better fiber option. Sigh...

Hair Hostage

2012-01-24T12:18:00.000-08:00

As I walked to Whole Foods, negotiations began with Ed again... I need a haircut in the worst way.

Last time I went was in June. Ed doesn't want me to go because I am not thin enough. He is a bastard. He says maybe next week or tomorrow after we weigh in and measure. If we have had a good week maybe but probably won't be good enough until next week. So I wait with my rat's nest in a pony tail. Asshole. God forbid that my hair stylist see me when I am not perfect.

Um, Ed she has seen me at 170 wtf?!?!? Ed doesn't make any sense. AND as much as I want to go to get my haircut I still think I am going to wait until next week. I am not ready for that big of a rebellion just yet. I'm just getting my sea legs in this divorce and want to focus on work, food and working out. That is enough for me at the moment.

What's funny about this statement is that I hate asking for permission.

My entire life I had to ask my Dad and Mom for permission. I moved out at 17 because I just couldn't deal with them anymore. And now I realize that I have been asking permission my entire life. Not only from my parents but from Ed as well. I rebelled against my folks but Ed quietly moved with me from place to place.

Ed's permission and approval rules all of my decisions and he gets the final answer. He makes me come up with excuses when he deems me to fucking worthless and fat to leave the house. Ed is seriously controlling and his standards are tough. He is ruthless when he informs me and he relishes when he has me all alone in the cave with him. That is his favorite place.

#Quotes

2012-01-24T11:58:00.000-08:00

I read this earlier... I liked it. It said, "We are the meaning makers of our lives and we get to apply the meaning and perspective to everything that we see outside of us."

I am going to try my best to remember that & apply it to my life , "I am the meaning maker of my life and I get to apply the meaning and perspective to everything that I see outside of me."

Sleeping with the Devil, Living with the Enemy

2012-01-24T01:39:00.000-08:00

Living with Ed is a real handful. A full time job. I never really wanted to admit it. I heard someone say the other day and I honestly don't remember where but the phone call you answer all the time is the relationship you are in. Well the call I ALWAYS answer is from Ed. No wonder I do not have time or space for anyone else. He is the most controlling, abusive, demanding, jealous, competitive, vindictive, manipulative and cruel partner I have ever been with. I have never lived with anyone and now I wonder was it one, because I can never really let anyone in and/or two, is it because I am always hiding my real husband in the closet from the world. He knows he rules the roost but I still lived my day denying his existence.

I've been married for at least 30 years if not longer. As far back as I can remember I have always hidden my food. For example, I could never just eat one Butterfingers at Halloween. No, I would sneak handfuls and hide them in my drawers or under my bed or in a bag or in my clothes in the closet. I would secretly eat my stash of love and literally feel ecstasy. In school I would always check my knee and thigh fat ratio when I kneeled down, I would always check to see if my fat was rolling over my school uniform skirt, I would hate that my thighs would rub together and no one else's thighs did. I hated it. I wanted to be skinny like all those other girls that ate chips and soda for lunch. By the way, intellectually I know that I wasn't fat or unhealthy AND I do know I wasn't perfect. I didn't have the body that would make everything better, make the girls want to be my bff and the boys to want to be my boyfriend. I also learned to change my clothes in ways so my body always looked at it's best and these issues started in grammar school and high school. Even in Kindergarten I remember how my tights never looked as good as the other girls. If I was thinner they would look better. This was in kindergarten people!!!!

You see my parents were super strict about food. No junk food ever. Mom made everything and chose everything so I never learned to make a choice. I also was forced to eat even when I wasn't hungry. My father would set the timer on the microwave and make me eat my cold soup that I didn't want or wasn't hungry for and if I wasn't done by the time that bell rang there would be hell to pay. That meant happy plate or else. This also made me go crazy when there were treats like pizza or special occasions with fun food like at parties. Ed loved this because he knew that I would feel guilty and fat afterwards but it was like letting a drug addict loose in a drug den. Parties meant going crazy and eating everything I was never allowed to eat at home. Pinata's were like a fight for the last grain of rice in Ethiopia in my mind.

This is when Ed knew he had me hook, line and sinker because I never learned the tools to make my own choices and to love myself and food in the right way. It was all very confusing and tormenting. I would love to go to friend's houses that had good food because it was my chance to eat food that made me feel better. I sometimes wondered why when we had pizza night at our house I wanted to eat as much as I possibly could when at other kid's houses they would only eat a slice and be happy. I would go to my granny's house because there I could eat cookies and ice cream and granola bars. When there was the few instances that my mom would leave us at home alone with my dad he would take us to Jack in the Box for lunch and that was when one of my true comforts was learned. It was my first hit and I was hooked. So I guess in many ways I have always had a relationship in my life. Ed. He filled the hole when I never received the love I longed from my Dad.

Thank God that I was heavily involved in sports or I would have never been able to maintain my weight around 125 or maybe even less I never played the number game when I was in grammar school or high school because we just didn't have a scale in the house. Although in high school I did start learning what the differences were between sizes. 0, 2, 4 and 6. I was always on the fat end on that number scale. Then in college and my first year on my own I went crazy I would eat anything and everything labeled fast food, I would drink a ton and continue to eat and eat and eat and that is when Ed introduced me to the gym. You see my folks never let me join a gym in addition to my school sports like all the skinny girls did. They would always work out at the gym and that is why in my mind they had flat stomachs. So in college I joined the gym and would workout instead of eating on school days and work days and then would drink and eat to my hearts content when I would go out and Ed would trick me into calling those days treats or rewards. It was always the same drill with Ed. When things were good as a reward or bad as a pick me up FOOD was where Ed told me to go. Ed also taught me that starving and bingeing and working out for hours could keep me under one hundred pounds. I was 90lbs at my lowest. My folks thought I was on drugs and stripping. Idiots and insulting all at the same time.

Anyways I think I lost the point of my post but at the end of the day Ed has taken up so much room in my life everyday that it is exhausting. He still does. He always gets the final answer but I hope to change this by separating myself from him and realizing that these voices in my head aren't me going cuckoo for cocoa puffs but Ed fucking with me. If I can learn to create that distance and honor myself maybe the healing will begin and I can start living a more even keel existence. One which does not revolve around him at every turn. Ed is worse than a wifebeater, womanizer or alcoholic husband. He is the longest relationship I have ever had and the one I run back to in my darkest hours. I want a divorce. I long for Ed not to stalk me 24 hours a day anymore. I want peace.

Ed in the Afternoon

2012-01-23T16:50:00.001-08:00

This afternoon was exhausting because Ed was begging me to just join in on a munchie frenzy. I started to nibble and let my mind follow him down that road but was able to stop. I didn't allow Ed to get his way and let it snowball. He wants me to eat and fail. I won't.
The success of today is that I left the office not fiending for food. That makes me happy.
Sent from my iPhone 4S

You Promise?

2012-01-23T13:34:00.001-08:00

I just saw this on Facebook and I hope it is true!!!

The dragon is a symbol of power and superior control...

It also represents change and mobility.

Dragons seem to be a change year, and usually from bad to good.

In general, in the dragon years, the world economy does a little better.

Lunch Lows

2012-01-23T13:27:00.000-08:00

I hate that even though I had an amazing lunch today of Rosemary Grilled Chicken and Kale Salad from Whole Foods this asshole Ed still wants me to eat. I am not hungry. I know because if Ed were tempting me with a plate of veggies I wouln’t be chomping at the bit.

I am going to try and make this blog a place where I can vent Ed's nonsense and take his voice out of the dark corners and make him sit squarely under the light of an interrogation room.

I want to eat my meals and not have to fight Ed's voice wanting me to incessantly munch, which can quickly turn ugly. You see Ed doesn't just say something once. He starts off in a whisper that you barely hear and then continues to ratchet it up until it it sounds like a room of crying babies screaming his latest chant. He tries to control me and derail me. You see Ed is also the same asshole that makes me the crazy lady on the path to skinny. Same prick different day.

You aren't going to win today.

Sent from iPhone 4S.

This Is Our Year...Happy New Year! Year of the Dragon!

2012-01-23T12:58:00.000-08:00

Class for 10 or More

2012-01-23T10:17:00.000-08:00

I was grateful for the football games yesterday because my hail mary paid off and I am so grateful I didn't give in and do what Ed wanted. He wanted me to feel like a loser because I had missed signing up for my class and blow all of my hard work for the last week. Well lo and behold at 5:30 I miraculously got into class! I would have felt even shittier had I given in and then been slapped with the gift of class because by that point I would have been knee deep in pizza and too embarrassed to show my face after spending time with Ed.

Well I woke up and got ready and made it to class rain and all. There are 9 spaces in a class but today there were 10 and honestly maybe more attendees in class. I say maybe more because who knows how many other girls in my class bring their husband Ed to class. Well today half way through my success I glanced around to look at my form when Ed showed up. He saw my ass and gasped in horror. An ass that wide shouldn't even be in this class he stated. I looked back again believing him. Omg, how did I let this happen again. Then Ed started pointing out how perfect everyone else's ass was. He then moved on to my back. Every angle was like a punch in the stomach. You see Ed loves to play the comparing game. You can play it anywhere and Ed likes to play it because it keeps me in my place. It reminds me that I either need to do better or that I am a total failure.

I started pulling at my clothes trying to make my body at least look a little better in my size 2 Lululemon. I thought I should have worn black because that would make my situation less noticeable. Then I decided to just stand up straighter, hold my stomach in, clench my ass, squeeze my thighs and stop letting Ed interrupt my class. I was able to rebound and left class feeling like I was worthwhile and not ashamed but dammit did he mess with my mind during class. Damn YOU ED I pay for this fucking class not you.

Not Crumbling

2012-01-22T16:57:00.001-08:00

I was completely ready for class at 6am tomorrow thinking I was #1 on the wait list when I realized that I wasn't even signed up. I literally groaned out loud.

Ed immediately screamed in my ear. Something how I can't even sign-up correctly. How if I can't even do that right I might as well just give up right now. I was so mad at Ed. One because this one little blip was the crack in the window he needed to trickle in. He wanted me to throw in the towel on my great week since I obviously wasn't going to be able to start my week off right.

I ignored him and went and took a nap. I woke up with a game plan. I was going to hope that my #6 hail mary position would miraculously get me into class with a back up plan and a few alarms to check the website during the night AND if that doesn't work I will just show up. Ed you will be unable to ruin my Monday. It isn't your Monday. IT IS MINE.

Sent from my iPhone 4S

We're Just Chatting

2012-01-22T13:19:00.001-08:00

Last night was the first night I was able to confront Ed. I have always allowed him to exist in the shadows & whisper orders to me. Orders that have I followed. Orders that have ruled me. Orders that have dominated me. Last night when he showed up in my bed and started to chat; I chatted back. I firmly said no. No I wasn't hungry, no I wasn't going to derail the good choices I had made with my meals and my workout. I was in bed ready to end my day and there was no way I was going to let him show up and bully his way into my night. I said no AND surprisingly enough he went away. I fell asleep and woke up with a smile knowing that even though he will be back I won that battle my chatting back.

I've talked back my whole life. The only person I've never talked back to is Ed. He has always had his way when he shows up. I hope the next time he shows up I can do it again. Nonetheless, this is a start and for the first time in my life I feel like a little light is shining on my darkest secret.

Sent from my iPhone 4S

Sent from iHeaven

2012-01-21T00:33:00.000-08:00

Whenyou stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catchyou.

As Maria Robinsononce said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can starttoday and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doingthe things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideasto get you started:

Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suckthe happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’llmake room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never,ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at yourbest, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are yourtrue friends.

Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punchthrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solveproblems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to getupset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose ofliving – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course oftime. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’tlie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and thefirst and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.

Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in theprocess of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are specialtoo. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever amoment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that momentis now.

Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is beingyourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someonewill always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always beyounger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will likeyou. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if youkeep re-reading your last one.

Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least tentimes more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail offailures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You endup regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrongthings, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes helpus find the person and things that are right for us. We all makemistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you arenot your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with thepower to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has everhappened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. Butthe truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love,laughter and working on our passions.

Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside,you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share itwith someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.

Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem thatwasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and takedecisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to secondbase with your foot on first.

Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunityarises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyondour comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

Stop getting involved in relationships for thewrong reasons. – Relationships mustbe chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in badcompany. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, itwill happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the bestreason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

Stop rejecting new relationships just because oldones didn’t work. – In life you’llrealize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will testyou, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly,some will bring out the best in you.

Stop trying tocompete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing betterthan you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’sblessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s somethingI have that everyone wants?”

Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shiftyour path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see orunderstand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. Butreflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, stateof mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today youare a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying,“I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! Andremember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. Ifyou must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

Stop letting others bring you down to their level.– Refuse to lower your standards toaccommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’tbelieve it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

Stop doing the same things over and over withouttaking a break. – The time to take adeep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing whatyou’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you needto distance yourself to see things clearly.

Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may lookback and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your lifewill be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who mattersto you.

Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, itrewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.

Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan onachieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Dosomething extraordinary.

Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. Youdon’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantlyprove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with whatother people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shedyour tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreamsdepends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility –you give others power over that part of your life.

Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn youout. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe notthe whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.

Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it willstrip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mullingover is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’stime? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worthworrying about.

Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positivethinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awakeevery morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in yourlife today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up eachday thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperatelyfighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, trythinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

About Last Night

2012-01-20T14:10:00.000-08:00

I have been on feeling lock down lately and after a great day yesterday I really felt like I would address the text at 3:16am the night before and the text around New Year's and the no-fly zone rejection in December. We had a nice texting conversation that made me feel better but at the end of the day I truly believe men don't get us at all. He was sweet and understanding and still just a guy. It is what it is but I at least expressed my emotions instead of eating them.

Boy Oh Boy

2012-01-20T14:06:00.000-08:00

I have to go somewhere completely different with this song on today of all days. I heard this song when Obama sang and it sent me back to the day. This is one of those songs that can bring me to my knees. Total old school panty dropper song. Ah, the memories.

3:16 am

2012-01-19T09:26:00.000-08:00

I received a text this morning at 3:16am. I swear it never ceases to amaze me how men feel like they can reject me yet feel completely okay with texting me a month or year later. It is mind boggling. I want to learn to not let myself feel so hurt by these minuscule rejections. I always go back to being that little girl that wants her daddy to just love her in those instances.

I know better intellectually but I think being wanted is still only natural and after 4 years of being alone and 35 years of struggling with looking for that love I want to learn to love myself and find those peaceful plains of consistency. I know the highs and the lows. I have stood on mountain peaks and slumped in the lowest valleys before. I have learned how to control myself and my choices and my environment, changed my lifestyle, my diet, my routine, my clothes in search of the balance. I have become financially responsible not allowing my love for enjoying and living in the moment and treating myself well to supersede my future and the peace of being secure financially means. Despite all of my efforts and yes, success, I have now realized and accepted I have become a very controlling, rigid and angry human being. I have spent the last four years holding on for dear life, trying to twist my life with only my sheer will. I can't do it any longer.

I know how strong I can be. I also know that I am a survivor, I have lived this way my entire life. As a child I always lived my life trying to get mine before someone else hurt me. Always trying to mentally survive and figure out a way to exist. On my own since I was 17 was a difficult path but one that allowed me to at least find some solace by myself and now 18 years later, I am just tired of fighting. I want to live somewhere in the middle. I want to find a way to live in balance and peace.

It took my dog Baby E nearly dying to make me realize that as good as I am at being so controlling that a large loss or blow can bring me to my knees. When she got sick two months ago, I was so angry because she is the only unconditional love in my life and I do not know what I would do without her.

I know that being alone has helped me accept all of these facts as hard as it has been. I know that the reason I am not attracting a wonderful man is because I am not in a place to share my life with anyone. I want to learn balance and not hold on so tight.

Country Songs

2011-12-08T09:13:00.000-08:00

Last night I realized that one of the reasons that I may love country songs is that fact that a lot of the songs are sung by men and are about their love for their daughters. I have always longed for that type of love and I think the fact that so many songs are about family, commitment, love, romance and children makes them even more meaningful to me.

It was a fun night.

Food for Thought

2011-12-07T14:58:00.001-08:00

I just remembered that when I met my ex I made a deal with myself that I was going to be "nice" for at least six months. I didn't have an opinion, I never said no, I never swore, I never was loud, I never acted like anything but a happy, happy, sweet lady. I didn't let him meet my family until 7months had passed. We didn't have sex for 3 weeks. I didn't unleash ME until at least six months in if NOT more. It makes me wonder. Can someone really be attracted to me? The ME that is not so nice. The one that struggles. The one that has always had to do it alone... I wonder.

2 Weeks

2011-12-07T11:04:00.001-08:00

I literally went for my first run in 2 weeks. I have been so annoyed and angry and frustrated. I am mulling over the fact that I think I need some time off from my family. I have been feeling like I make the effort. I go over there every weekend and honestly feel like they only really want to see the fucking dog. This weekend is our annual Christmas party and I have made the decision that I really do not want to go. I just don't. That is that. I am even thinking about taking a break from them until 2012. Seriously.

We all had a huge fight on Sunday and haven't heard from one of them since... I think I need some time OFF!

Putting My Foot Down

2011-12-02T15:08:00.001-08:00

I made an executive decision. I am not ending 2011 having only spread my legs for one man this year - my gynecologist. I called and rescheduled for 2012. I was not going to go out like that. It would have just been adding insult to injury. Enough said.

Moving

2011-12-01T14:27:00.001-08:00

I think maybe it is time to really really consider moving back to the westside and really, really put some effort into making this happen or the other thought was staying at my folks for a few months... maybe six. I don't think I could do that but maybe renting their family room would make it more business than a favor. I could live in a room for six months and save some real money to get my savings back in order. I don't see this happening otherwise to the extent I would like. This incident with Baby E made me realize how important this is... We can do 6 months anywhere... Or rent a small studio somewhere. I am just playing with things in my head. I have until February 2012, I think to make a decision. I just need to stop the driving madness. Not sure what the best thing for me to do is but I definitely have to think about it. I just do not want to pay more than what I am paying now. Ugh.

Dropped the Ball

2011-11-30T09:22:00.001-08:00

With Baby E being sick, being stressed out, being sick and the holidays to boot I actually completely forgot about updating my blog... I am not going to look back but look forward. I can't do anything about the past but can do something about making a change today.

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2011-11-21T10:02:00.002-08:00

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2011-11-21T10:02:00.001-08:00

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"My little love nugget is on the mend!"

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Love this...

2011-11-17T14:01:00.001-08:00

“Life is pain, highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

Challenging

2011-11-17T10:13:00.001-08:00

Every time I hit a good place health wise, financially, mentally, physically or emotionally the universe seems to love kicking me into submission. I hate you universe. You are one fucked up bitch.

Mind FUCK

2011-11-17T10:04:00.001-08:00

To add insult to injury Austin said he hates me at this weight and preferred me bigger. He says that his ideal is 5'7' and 130lbs. Um, that IS skinny mother fucker. I'm 5'1" and 115lbs. How the fuck is that bigger than me? Guys are such a mind fuck. I hate them. Ugh...

Then I haven't heard from the other idiot either. He is too detached in general. Ugh...

Women in my life are giving me compliments, while the men shit on my parade. Seriously?!?!?!

Men make me cuckoo. I am happy at this size so fuck you very much.

Note to the Universe

2011-11-17T08:47:00.001-08:00

I don't have a husband, a boyfriend, a super close sister, children or any kind of day-to-day family in my life. The least you could do is leave my dog alone. I'm angry and feeling lost today.

Nurse

2011-11-16T08:48:00.000-08:00

So my baby came home last night and we have literally spent all day in bed sleeping and both of us are super upset to our tummies. Neither of us is in a great place. I'm scared of losing her. Scared of something happening. I am not dealing with this well. I could never handle having children. Never.

Coming Home

2011-11-15T10:01:00.000-08:00

Good news. My baby gets to come home today. So excited to have her with me again. God I love her.

Sad Night

2011-11-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

I went home last night and cried like a baby. I couldn't sleep. Today I did what needed to be done but it was mostly going through the motions. I went and spent about an hour and 45 minutes with her and finally closed my eyes and rested for a bit. Everything is better when I am with her. I hated leaving her but felt good to have her love around me.

Most Expensive Bowling Afernoon Ever

2011-11-13T08:56:00.000-08:00

To those that know me it is either high as pie or doom and gloom. Lately I had really been finding my groove and balance. Then my little one interrupted my lunch date that I was super excited to go on. My sister called to let me know that she had a rash. It turned out that they looked more like red and purple little bruises. And some larger looking scary bruises on her back that looked like she had been hit or beaten or run over. I was horrified and ran with her to the vet. The vet asked me if she'd been hit by a car or beaten or ingested rat poison all questions that made me want to cry. He said there wasn't anything they could do and sent me to the animal hospital.

What I thought to be a minor rash had turned into something scary fast as the doctor said that it looked like whatever was happening it involved her blod not being able to clot. What I thought would be an in and out at the vet turned into something terrifying.

I ended up missing bowling and left everyone in the lurch. I felt awful but was focused on my baby. It was a serious illness and lots of tests and money later I made the decision to leave her at the hospital. The worst day of my life as Baby E's mama.

Date Schmate

2011-11-12T08:54:00.000-08:00

A week ago I was excited now I could really care less. I went on my date. He is nice but probably not going to go anywhere. He is not a very open and cuddly kind of guy. Great date though.

Suffocating

2011-11-11T15:05:00.001-08:00

I want to be anywhere but here today.

Friendship Equity

2011-11-11T14:05:00.000-08:00

I didn't know what this meant 3+ years ago. Now I find that I am looking for it more and more. I want to figure out if my relationships are one, sustainable and two, are they balanced for both parties. Yesterday, I heard back from my "friend" with a casual tone of, "Phew the past few days have been crazy!" I responded with, "Really? How so? I figured you were just avoiding my question." Which I received a sheepish, "Yeah a little" Man up. Jesus Christ.

We are adults. I wish we would act that way. The conversation devolved to how he feels that he will disappoint me. Um, this is excuse is tired. He has been saying this for ten years. I am so tired of people who can't just show up. Say what you think, do what you feel and just be 100% present. Not for me BUT for you. Dammit.

I would like to be friends but his idea of friendship is what suits him, doesn't scare him and what is conducive for him. It isn't a give and take.

...I am no longer putting all my eggs in anyone's basket...

He said he would like to be friends and spend time together. I told him I needed to think about what is best for me and asked if I could get back to him. I just don't know how to one not be all-in. To end a friendship isn't easy but to continue with this unbalance isn't worth it either. Is it possible to tell someone I wouldn't mind them being an acquaintance and that I will leave the ball in their court? I am usually a fish or cut bait type of woman so not caring or not being invested isn't in my nature really. A friendship for his convenience isn't really my idea of a good time. I feel like this is and always has been about him.

I am no longer putting all my eggs in anyone's basket as it is easier to clean up one egg versus an entire dozen. I will protect my heart from that while still opening up to the possibility.

I am going to take some time and really think about what I want. I am not sure what the best decision is. I don't know how to make this a win-win for both of us. I don't believe it is possible for me to receive like I would give.

I am confused. Why is it so hard to even have a friendship?

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2011-11-11T14:03:00.000-08:00

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Date Take 2: Location

2011-11-11T13:15:00.001-08:00

We are meeting at Gjelina in Venice and then going to dinner. Come to find out he wanted to go to dinner in North Hollywood. Um, no. We are not traveling to the seventh circle of hell for fucking dinner. Are you kidding me? Do you not realize or consider that I am already driving from DTLA to Venice then you want me to what? Drive to NoHo then back to SM then back to DTLA. You must be insane. I won't even do that for family. WTF?!?!? Are men all on a stupid pill?

Lord give me patience. Please help me find a nice man.. In your own time of course and I get that there is a reason it has not happened yet but I just don't get why we can't have a decent one every once in a while. Please help me out here.

Mama Knows

2011-11-11T13:12:00.001-08:00

My mama sent me an emailing saying I looked beautiful in my boots especially while talking about how they make me feel. She gets it. She remembers the first time around. She makes me smile. I wish I had more of her tenderness in me. Maybe I am just not the relationship and friendship kind of person...

Some Days Are Just Harder Than Others...

2011-11-10T16:08:00.001-08:00

Grateful

2011-11-10T08:41:00.001-08:00

"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love" ~ Marcus Aurelius

Westside Thanksgiving

2011-11-09T21:45:00.001-08:00

I signed up to volunteer at The Westside Thanksgiving at the Santa Monica Civic Center the day before Thanksgiving. I then realized that the day before Thanksgiving is also my S class night. Well I decided to not cancel on my volunteering but keep my commitment and sign into a make-up class on Saturday. That is what will bring more to my life and my world.

I Danced To... Week 3

2011-11-09T21:25:00.001-08:00

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2011-11-09T17:14:00.001-08:00

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"Beautiful"

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Confessions of a Wandering Heart

2011-11-09T16:24:00.001-08:00

I would love to live somewhere open and country and slower paced. Where families are closer, beliefs are stronger, life is simpler and the days are slower...

Finding My Own Way

2011-11-09T16:20:00.000-08:00

I think besides being fat why I always went the route of BLACK. I was always trying to not stand out, conform, fall in line with the "crowd", not risk offending someone liking color or MY style. I am learning to kind of just like what I like. Who cares if it doesn't make everyone happy... You can NEVER make everyone happy and as long as I like it that is all that matters. Those that love you will love you, most won't care either way and those opinions you value you will weigh in their opinion always. I really love where I am in my life. In my clothes, in my skin, in my acceptance of not being or trying to be perfect. My wanting to live life in color and in balance. Taking risks and trying new things and NOT putting all my eggs in one basket whether it be clothes or men. Ha!

Happy Hour Gone Sour

2011-11-09T15:42:00.000-08:00

I think it is interesting how some people equate drinking with fun. It is even MORE interesting to find out those people in your life that are only capable of having fun if they are drinking and when they find out you aren't (gasp) they say things like let me know when you are off the wagon and we can get together. Really!?!?!

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2011-11-09T14:50:00.001-08:00

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"View from my office... Sigh..."
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Sounds of Silence

2011-11-08T17:12:00.000-08:00

Fastest way to get the texting to stop is to ask a man the same deep question he asked you. Sigh... Keeps my heart in perspective.
Sent from my iPhone 4S

*Update: more than 24 hours....
** Update: more than 36 hours...

Rockin' Heels is Easy

2011-11-08T14:32:00.000-08:00

There are certain things in life some of us are inherently good at. Mine is rockin' heels. I have recently been gifted a pair of gorgeous ballet flats and bought another pair. Well I wore them and literally have sore calves from walking without heels and fell twice. Not so fabulous. How is it that I can walk for miles and run up stairs or wear them all day and be fabulous and eat floor after a few hours in them and in pain for days? Is this normal or am I just some heel creature that God created. You love how I all of a sudden am a creature of God. Ha! Well, I am going to start wearing them at home in small spurts to train my leggies for flats. No one ever thought they would hear this BUT heels are more comfortable. I am definitely unique.

Puss in Boots

2011-11-08T09:22:00.000-08:00

The deal with my obsession with cowboy boots. When I was 5 I had a pair of black cowboy boots with white stitching. I LIVED in them. I literally would wear them with PJs, shorts, dresses, jeans, shower, halloween costume, etc... EVERYWHERE and ALL the time. When I put these on it was like all those memories grabbed me and I was 5 again and super happy in my boots. I am going with it and enjoying that feeling.

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"I am still in a country frame of my mind..."

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myLA shared an Instagram photo with you

2011-11-08T07:03:00.001-08:00

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"What Universe? I'm listening."

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myLA shared an Instagram photo with you

2011-11-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

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"City myLA & Country myLA collide"
(taken at Downtown LA - Historic Core)

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Skinny Jeans

2011-11-07T20:40:00.000-08:00

Exhausted after a late night and long flight and long Monday. I headed over to Nordstrom at The Grove to fix the alterations snafu. I bought a size 24 pair of skinny jeans and they altered a pair of size 25. They actually were way to big and sagged after wearing them only twice. I called to discuss with the manager after discovering the incident last Thursday. I re verified that when I arrived today they would one have my size and two not give me the third degree.

Well it wasn't easy and I almost lost my shit. BUT I stayed calm and they will be ready tomorrow before S class. Yay!

Even when you plan ahead sometimes things take just a little bit longer. I want to be more relaxed and easy breezy but I just am not that kinda gal. Sigh...

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2011-11-07T18:04:00.001-08:00

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"Loveleeeeee Sunset"
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Super Man... Take 2

2011-11-07T14:39:00.000-08:00

This nickname is so random. No real meaning behind it. He called me Friday twice and texted all weekend but I wanted to focus on the man at hand. We had enough fish to fry just between the two of us. No need to add another person to the distracting mix. I called him from the airport on Sunday and in no short order suggested meeting halfway on Saturday and he said he would fly down for dinner. There is something very whatever or topical about him. He seems to not be very invested or interested. So one way or another I will know this Sunday. He already has two strikes. Let's see if he strikes out or swings for the fence. Either way I am so calm about it.

Austin Debriefing... NOT Literally

2011-11-06T23:38:00.000-08:00

Okay so my weekend in Austin went from a 12 on the Myla Bitchy Scale to a 5. I feel bad that it had that much of a swing but I guess it is what it is. I think people from our past are harder to be around at times because you tend to be who you were with them rather than who you have turned, grown into and really fought to be.

Anyways, a few things had be already off. I had been sick all night, missed my run due to rain, then it continued to pour and risked me landing with frizzy hair. Not anyone's fault but really made me feel off kilter. Then he was late to the airport and didn't make a reservation at the restaurant. It just bugged me and brought my walls up. We then spent the evening talking later at his home. It was nice. We also discussed something so little but that later would rear it's ugly head. We discussed morning coffee vs. tea. I as of late have turned into a morning tea person although I love coffee. I slept in his guest room and went for a run early that next morning. When I came back I asked him if he had made coffee. He said no. So I figured we would swing by Starbucks which we did. Then I get to the counter place my order and then say what are you getting and he said, "Nothing, I have coffee." I literally lost my shit. Really you can't fucking offer??????

So on our hike we really really had a heart to heart. We discussed my mouse trap tension which is set so fricking tight when it comes to him. I approach him like a rattler that is ready to strike and I am just in a constant state of fight. He does the lone wolf thing and doesn't really communicate the shit that rattles through his head with anyone. No man is an island but no woman is a mouse trap either. Ugh... He also apparently only buys meals for women he is sleeping with... Ahem, so not going to get you laid tonight either. LOL

We then went shopping. We actually had fun doing that and I bought him ice cream just to show him no hard feelings. Ha! I found a pair of cowboy boots and he was super sweet doing that and we went jewelry shopping. We had a great afternoon and by the time we got to Lake Travis for sunset I think we had both softened quite a bit. We went back to the hotel and that was nice because he helped me pick an outfit for dinner and then we got ready for BBQ. After that we went to 6th Street to see the nightlife which was crazy after the UT game. He isn't big on PDA or watching out for a little girl. So, I kind of tagged a long sometimes holding on to his jeans. Not a huge fan of this.

... I'd rather hear the answer than waste time over the next few months for no reason....

We had some great conversations over the course of the weekend. He trusts me with his family information.

Sunday I woke up and when I got up to go running he kinda gave me a cuddle. We lay there trying to figure out my iPhone phone time change and then I went for my run which was unfortunately rained out. I then got back in bed and we watched a movie since it was 6am. Lol. Yes, I was up at 6am. It was nice we cuddled and talked and kept it all very G rated. Seriously...

He then asked me if I would go to church with him. I said yes because I have been wanting to explore faith and religion outside of how we were raised which is catholic. I also thought this was a very private thing to share and that he took a risk asking me. I could have laughed and said hell no. I actually had a great time and would love to find something like that here in LA. I am glad we went and it opened up the lines for even more communication.

By Sunday afternoon I feel like we had come a long way. We will see where we go from here. It may go somewhere, it may go nowhere. I can't tell at all yet but I am glad I went, I am glad I grew from the experience and I am glad I was open.

AND I am glad I didn't kiss him or sleep with him. Old behavior that I am proud isnt rearing it's ugly head. Also, we both handled the weekend without one drop of alchohol.

Side note: we are both very similar when it comes to family, politics, religion, family, marriage, etc... BUT we are also very, very different.

He asked me before I left to CR if I could see our personalities ever meshing in a relationship. Well today I asked him that same question. I'd rather hear the answer than waste time over the next few months for no reason.

Austin

2011-11-06T23:24:00.000-08:00

It is funny that I look up and see this sign as we got pulled over by the LAW. Lol.

Thankfully only a warning! Phew!

I love these bridges!

4 mile hike at Enchanted Rock after running 7 miles in the morning.

Loved it! We hiked and were able to really talk.

Erik hates lines! We had to wait to get into the park!

Gorgeous!

We saw this Tarantula from really far away.

It was HUGE!

I love my new cowboy boots! I have this thing for cowboy boots.

I haven't taken em off since! I have done this before... at the age of 5!!!!

Love this!

Sunset at Lake Travis! So beautiful!

BBQ night alternate title = Food Coma Night

Smart Dog!

I love me some Lululemon! I love love me some Austin Lululemon!

ALWAYS do one thing a day that scares you!

The MECCA for Whole Foods lovers like ME!!!

I really didn't feel like taking pictures this weekend so I didn't and then I somehow deleted them ALL this morning so this is all that was salvaged. Boo. But we carry memories in our hearts. That is what matters. :)

Perfect Packing

2011-11-06T11:02:00.000-08:00

You can call me the packing fanatic. I like to pack light & tight. Well since the weather has been insane I went from dresses as a thought, to jeans, to layers, to desperation. Also known as let's just pack it all including the sink, toilet and shower curtain. Ugh. It actually didn't end up being so bad because even my friend Erik in Austin was shocked at the size of the bag. He was like, "Where's your stuff?" So I guess I did okay. Yes, I said O-K-A-Y.

It didn't help that we had torrential rain on Friday. So that really disrupted what would be referred to as regimented this weekend. My girl Mrs Rogue and I went shopping, man she is dangerous and then I literally ended up repacking in the rain as she held a bag over my cat hair. You see rain drops will turn my hair into one hot mess! We even threw in a pair of black ballet flats and a pink cardigan.

I have to thank her for the cardigan because I ended up wearing it! I wore everything except one tank. That is a successful packing mission if I do say so myself. So bringing extra stuff really does work out... SOMETIMES. Not all the time Miss Thing. ;)