Wow

I was just told, "You just overwhelm me". Wow. Am I that awful? Why do men come back and then push me away again? Better question is why do I allow it?

I guess the saying is correct, "Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results."

The insanity must stop.

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#Quotes

Notebook of Love (@TheNoteboook) Crying doesn't mean you're weak. It means you've been too strong for too long.

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Three's A Crowd

I have been thinking a lot about Ed and the secret relationship we have had over the last 35 years.  He has been my everything which leaves little room for myself let alone anyone else.  I spent my childhood craving the love of my father, then as I grew older and relationships were the new it thing to have, I added boys to that list. Things I thought would fill that hole.  But the love I really needed to cultivate was loving myself, understanding myself and creating the person that I wanted to be.  Instead I chased others to fill that hole.

I would chameleon myself into anyone I thought they wanted me to be so that I could be wanted and convince myself that my hole would be filled.  The one thing I did not know is that it would be temporary.  So much so that it became like a drug.  My high.  It was the one thing that would make me feel better than food and replaced Ed in  the moment.  Except that when it was over, Ed would be there with food to fill the hole that was emptying like water in a sieve.  It created more turbulence in my hole than it filled.  It was temporary and fleeting.

When I was in high school my parents, thought I wasn't a virgin and that I slept around.  It was sad.  Because they assumed incorrectly.  I was a virgin until my first year of college.  24 days before I turned 18.  Unfortunately.  My first experience was with a man, a police officer, that I thought cared for me or maybe I just lied to myself and ignored the truth.  He told me he was divorced and had two little kids.  I slept with him only to find out that he was married and not a police officer after all.  He was a meter maid.  How embarrassing?!?!?  I found by his cousin telling me the truth one day.  It was a huge blow.  My first and a moment I could never take back was with a man that was unavailable.

Maybe I needed it to be this way because looking back I have always chosen unavailable men like my father.  This now makes me believe that knowing that we could never move forward kept me safe with Ed.  I could pretend that it wasn't about me but it was.  I made these choices.  This is really hard to reveal and I can't bring myself to continue but trust me this is just the beginning of uncovering the mound of bodies in the backyard of the house where Ed and I have lived our lie for the last 35 years.

#Quotes

Quotes Daddy (@QuotesDaddy) "I do the very best I know how, the very best I can, and I mean to keep on doing so until the end" - Abraham Lincoln

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Middle

I am a Libra and the irony of it all is that the sign is the scales.  My favorite symbol is the one on the right and is the only tattoo I have ever contemplated getting.  I even thought of doing it in my hair line or so small it looks like a mole in brown.  I think it is because I have always desired that balance that I was born into.  I have always tipped either super high or super low.  Never just the middle.

                                    

So as you know last week was a difficult week.  This quote is perfect to describe how I feel now: 

"Perhaps negative situations emerge

to lead you to a positive one."

I  feel content this week.  I have made good choices, shown compassion for myself, trusted in the process, opened up and just accepted where I am today.  This week was focused.  I have been eating well.  I have been attending my workout classes and started running again.  I even took Baby E on her first light jog hike (no hills) for the first time since she has gotten sick.  She did 3.34 miles with no issues.  We would have done 3.5 but I realized that we were going to get a ticket.  Even so I am a Proud Mama.

I feel good.  I have also not been bringing up the weight number or weight lost.  It has been hard but it is important for me to no longer see everything as good or bad by the number.  I have still been working on getting back to my goal weight which is natural since Ed and I are still in the throes of our divorce.  Furniture, CDs, custody and all kinds of other bullshit remains to be divided and purged and yes, we still are living under the same roof for now.  It is a process.

As I work on losing the pounds remaining towards my goal weight, I am still trying and succeeding this week at accepting where I am today and feeling good.  Not sexy and fabulous or shitty and miserable but right in the middle.  Satisfied.  It will take time but I am happy with what I have achieved this week which is balance.  Eating mindfully, choosing to live a healthy lifestyle, letting myself know I will be okay and showing myself some compassion.

I have also done one thing this week that scares me: 

Setting a goal to run a half marathon with 2 new friends.

I have also overcome one think that makes me anxious: 

Accepting myself around someone that has hurt me in the past.

These two things in the past would not be possible.  Progress towards the middle.

#Quotes

Mastin Kipp (@TheDailyLove) Breakdowns are breakthrough's

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What Did I Weigh Last Year?

This is such an Ed thing to do.  The way I track time or memories or compare is by asking myself what I weighed last year.  What an awful way to measure time?  I can tell you by the way.  Pick a year and a date.  I will be able to tell you.  This came out on Tuesday and it was nice to feel understood when I said it.  You see most of my life people have always metaphorically patted me on my head and moved along.  Shaking their had at what they consider normal girl not acknowledging, accepting or understanding that I was basically screaming inside of home where Ed was holding me hostage.  

This is something I want to move away from.  I also want to learn how to not see everything as good or bad.  Or quantify my weeks by a number.  I am trying.  I am hopeful.

I am also trying to surround myself and accept activities with people on similar paths and journeys.  People that understand; instead of trying to convince them to understand.  Trying to be honest about where I am and why I do things.  Accepting the process, being open and learning compassion towards myself.  I want to learn how to navigate my life with comfort in knowing that I will be okay.  No matter what.  

#Quotes

Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. - Havery Fierstein

#working on it

@nytimeshealth, 2/7/12 9:36 PM

NYTimes Health (@nytimeshealth) Mindful Eating as Way to Fight Bingeing nyti.ms/ytQIYf

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Let's Go Wild

It is official!  I am running the Safari Park Half Marathon with two friends from the studio!  I am a little scared and excited all at the same time.  This is on my list of things to do before I die.  And I LOVE LOVE LOVE the San Diego Wild Animal Park.  I would go there when I was sick all the time.  It was a little get away that would allow me to forget what I was going through.  I think this will be a spectacular place to return to in a whole new way and with a whole new outlook on my journey.  I wanted to say life but I am on a journey that will never reach a final destination.  I am happy to be doing it with Lisa and Jess.  Can't wait to start our training schedule together.  No more lonely runs!!!  Yay!

My Trash

I have noticed something about my relationship with Ed.  It is a gauge or a tell or maybe just a side effect or an accessory of Ed's.  You can tell what kind of day Ed and I are having by my trash can at work.  If it is full of wrappers and plates and cups it is all about Ed.  But when I am doing my own thing and making good choices then my trash is clean because I am eating fresh food and not crap.

Maybe I need to remember that is what my insides look like.  If I let Ed trash my trash then I have to equate that with how I am treating myself.  I would never treat my dog, my daughter, my friend or even a stranger the way I let Ed treat me.  I am proud to say that for three days, I have made my own choices.  Not Ed.

Last week's struggle and road towards compassion and self soothing little Me really is paying off this week.  So yes last week was rough but I feel like I have learned something and grown from it.  I am proud of this today.

#Quotes

"If you're not making mistakes, then you're not doing anything." - John Wooden

Looking Forward

This sounds crazy but I really am looking forward to therapy tomorrow.

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#Quotes

Worry often gives small things a great shadow. - Swedish Proverb

#Quotes

Mastin Kipp (@TheDailyLove) Perfection leads to extinction. - Biological Fact #LearnToAdapt #TDL

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